Should i expose my husbands affair

My wife understood this to be the case in the event she crossed agreed upon boundary lines or tried to hide continued contact. Because as both the AP and my wife have acknowledged they believed me to be very, very serious about this such that this was not even remotely considered to be a potentially idle threat, what was left of a relationship between my wife and the AP whithered and died. But I certainly did not want the EA to start back up, and there is no growing closer to a person that you never communicate with.

The key word is repentant. Anyone that continues the affair after discovery is NOT repentant. The exposure ended the fantasy and the affair. My husband and his AP were both forced to resign. Both lost their jobs over the affair. I also have to add that when my husband was losing his job I did not know about any of it at the time he was suicidal.

When I finally found out about the affair, I was suicidal. I felt there was no way out of the pain ever and it was a coping mechanism. So, I have experienced both benefits and detriments of this type of exposure. I see many benefits but also would caution people to be very careful. These are big, HUGE feelings and trauma is involved for all parties. Tread with caution would be my advice. I know i dont have the heart to do something like that, but it feels good imagining the OW being tortured like that.

In my imagination, i wouldnt care if she committed suicide, its her decision to had affair, its her decision to kill herself.. Thats a cold thing to say i know, i cant help myself, i have so much anger in me these days and dont know how to manage them.. Dying stops the suffering. Breaking marriages and couples makes many people suffer, man, woman, family, kids till the rest of their lives.

My comments are very much given with the perfect vision of hindsight and in the light of 4 further months of my H maintaining contact with the OW through his work email after Dday 1 because he was too weak to really end it. Enough to drive anyone mad. I gave him my H cell phone number in the event that he wanted to discuss anything with him, but he never made contact.

He even made the comment that he was not surprised by the actions of his wife. I then proceeded to contact the OW and let her know that she had better not make contact with my H ever again. Later in the day I called her place of employment and spoke with the president to let him know how she was spending her work time, as she would mostly text and call my H during her workday in order to keep the secret from her husband.

The next day I insisted that my H call all four of our grown children and tell them what he had done. I say put the truth out there and let the pieces fall where they may. He told his own siblings, I told mine. After D-day 2, which was the day I walked, my H ended things and came out of the fog. The OW has had very little to deal with in this regard because she is divorced and her ex has custody of their daughter, but I have to think that it would be impossible to do what she did and have no consequences.

I think it is important to distinguish that the author here is only suggesting this tactic for those who have not been able to end the affair, or contact in my case, the affair ended, but there was still sporadic contact, from her, which he would answer, grrr, so I was never SURE the affair ended, although, I now believe it did, only they know. It would be childish to do all of this when the cheater has ceased contact, and is working on the marriage, but I think it is a useful tool to consider should the cheater not end contact, as it shows that you mean business, and you will end your marriage if they are unable, or unwilling to stop contact with the AP.

It does require calmness and eloquence, to get the message across in as dignified a manner as is at all possible. Totally agree Paula!! The gloves would be off, nothing could stop me from exposing them! Oh yes…. I considered some of these things…. Even though my H did not consider his standing as a public official while running around for about 10 weeks with a tramp HALF his age who was also his subordinate.

After my husband told me about his EA our two grown married children were told. Best thing ever in my case as the secret only fuels the fire in an EA. Husband felt very shameful, especially that his children knew. But he stopped it immediately with the coworker. Its too bad it took action from Linda for you to end your affair but its like pouring salt on a wound to say if she had taken the actions above your affair would have ended sooner.

Jessica, I was simply just making an emphasis of the potential power of the tactic. Give me an F-ing break! Yeah, lay off of Doug. He was just making a point as to how it would have affected him. He did the right thing without it. Kudos Doug. As for work place letters, it could have legal ramifications by getting your H or W fired and sued.

If it is discovered because the two idiots are conducting a work-place romance they have already disregarded the rules. Being a BS I did think about the legal ramifications but everyone at work already knew. So, as I told my H, you should have thought of that before you took up with some Whore at work who was only looking to get ahead. And by weighing your options, I meant the BS has to weigh all points and options before doing anything.

To anyone thinking about writing and sending the workplace letter contact a lawyer first. The exact wording in this letter is one used to terminate employment and sue the ex-employee for damages to the company. Some employees are also personally liable for damages. Damages — for what? Being a lawyer, all I can think of is a breach of employment contract. If there is a breach of contract, i. A breach is a breach and they could be outed at any time by anybody and lose their jobs for that.

Pure narcissism. Then she lost her job over it. Emotional distress, Mis coding of company time and resources spent to carry on the affair, co workers passed over for raises or promotions.

Emotional Distress? Does that mean we all get to sue the company when we BS have emotional distress from all the co-workers who NEVER stepped in and said anything?

I have suffered time and time again, lost weight, lost sleep — the list goes on and on. Its mind boggling to me that wives always point their fingers at the OW or their cheating spouse for that matter. Just because you got that piece of paper called a marriage license does not mean you can lay back be lazy be mean and nasty in your marriage and expect the husband to somehow still feel attracted to you and stick around and accepting miseries until the day he dies.

Spouse male or female who got cheated on deserve every minute of it. But hey, feel free to live in your own delusion and finds comforts in those who always in your shoes. Miseries needs companions too. If the spouse feels so unhappy, he should do the right thing and get divorced instead of cheating. I also have to say that not every person who cheats doe so because they are in an unhappy marriage.

Manu cheaters later say they just wanted a bit of extra fun, or a release from the stress of the marriage. Marriage is not a joke. Someone tripped me. The dog ate my homework. She deserved it. If you run over a pedestrian in your car is it their fault for being in the road?

Doing the wrong thing is simply that. Looking for some fault in them that somehow cancels out or excuses the fault in yourself is rationalizing, at best. Manager married to a nurse admin hourly non exempt married to outside employee with 1 daughter pg with second child.

Employee returns from leave, manager post job for a higher level support person, he selects her for the job. Another qualified employee starts noticing and keeping track of irregular time… Both leaving for two hour lunches, meetings all day.

This went on for over a year the rumor mill was rampant, upset employee was given a large project to do that involved payroll information on all SR executives and VP.

The data was given to her by manager and double checked by OW. Payroll ran, data was wrong, major calls were made. Upset employee sent email detailing everything she knew to all upper management then went out on stress leave, manager put on leave then terminated. Employee sued two years later settled out of court. Former manager has gone from 6 figures to a job paying 2 figures. OW transferred to another facility. As someone who received an email from the BS i am colleague of the OW , such tactics do not work.

Not a friend of the OW but the exposure did nothing to stop the PA. Frankly all it did was clog up our inbox and annoyed us. Great office gossip but consensus was BS was embarassing herself — private affairs should be kept private. Nobody else cares as nobody really knows what goes on in a marriage.

Particularly work people — OW was chastised for involving office colleagues but wasnt fired. Nobody cares!!! Are you a cheater or a BS yourself? Just wondering why you were on this site. Your comment that private affairs should be kept quiet is the exact reason no one is afraid of committing them — fear is a wonderful deterrent.

Maybe that is the state of the world today — indifference about wrongs being committed. If the two at your office wanted to have a PA then they should have not subjected their spouses to being cheated on — end the marriage and then do what you want. And yes, nobody cares until it happens to you. If there are simply rumors of an affair they try to ignore it. But, once someone makes a formal complaint i.

The indifference by coworkers is horrific. I agree about the awfulness of workplace indifference. My H actually told a colleague and I thought friend of MINE about his stupid EA — and she not only never told me, she and her stupid husband basically advised him to see the OW again so he could find out how he felt about her they conducted their affair via text, mostly, and phone.

Advice he followed pretty much immediately by trying to arrange a work trip to her city. When a man is lying to his wife of 16 years, pursuing a course of action guaranteed to devastate her and their three innocent children, you find it hard to be judgmental???

Or the ocean is wet. Or the pope Catholic. I will always wonder what would have happened if I had followed my gut sooner. Maybe the in love bull crap would not have happened if I had known sooner and exposed them earlier.

It would not be easy to be the bearer of that news, but it is definitely something I would do for another person soon to walk in my shoes. Neither but am married.

Never commented before as not qualified but this is somethg that happened. A workplace is not somewhere to discuss personal matters — it is unfair to expect other people to weigh in on a personal situation as there is always two sides to each coin.

Better to leave and give myself another chance at true happiness no point in staying and being even more miserable. Not a life worth living with a spouse so vindictive as to want vengeful and go out their way to try to shame me into ending my affair and forcing my hand to stay in the marriage.

Love can not be force or threaten. As a BS though, I think that affairs will bring out all kinds of issues between both people that would better be addressed inside of the marriage than outside of it. Affairs will surely bring up problems that both people have failed to address. You cannot disagree that affairs are the ultimate selfishness of a person committing them while failing to address problems in a marriage-which we all have at one time or another.

More likely, at one time they were happy but when one started cheating and then blaming then they were contributing zero to the marriage, blaming the wife for it and all the while the wife was scrambling to keep things together while not knowing what was going on in her marriage.

I think these tactics are way over the top. I am a BS and even though it saddens me beyond belief, no one does care. There are only a couple people who know what happened and neither of them have cut off ties to my H.

It has been very painful to know that no one cares what he has done to me. They are also friends with the OW. One has said how sorry she is and that I deserved better from both.

The other dismissed it as something that just happened even though my H left me after D day. She may not realize it, but she is no longer my friend. The world is too accepting in my opinion. Had the roles been reversed, I would no longer associate with her husband. NC with OW since right after D day. If your husband leaves, it only meant that your journey with each other has ended. Be happy because your future man is out there waiting for the right time to cross your path you are destine to be happier with someone else.

Be grateful for the time and space you have shared with your husband, but that chapter has ended, its meant to be this way how else you are going to continue the path you are meant to travel. Wish him well on his journey just was you would with a beloved who is departed.

Could be your daughter who may fall into such predicament. Purely by chance. Let it go … forgive yourself, your ex spouse, the other OW. I guaranteed much happiness will come your way soon if you do. Being one of the few who have had this happen I feel I should weigh back in on this as it seems to be a very emotional subject for a lot of people. A big question for me is, would I have sent the letters my self? Some of the either knew or suspected the EA well before the outing of it at work though and not one contacted me.

She had an inordinate amount of rage toward the woman who did send the letters and to this day has a level of hate toward her even though we both realise that what she did has helped us. In other cases where it is early in the affair or the marriage has completely broken down and one of the partners wants out I think it will drive a fatal wedge in the marriage. I would not use this method unless you are ready to face the very real possibility that outing them will permanently destroy any chance of fixing the marriage.

That said I am very grateful that it did happen to us as it got us out of the affair very quickly and in to working on ourselves and us. I can completely relate to what you wrote. Now, when I run into those people out in the community I relive the trauma. I was barely functioning and in such a bad place. In my situation, the healing both I and my H want is closely tied to our willingness to endure embarrassment with a view toward a much healthier and more satisfying relationship.

I could not be the one to tell those my H works with, though. My goal was not to humiliate him, and that would have been very humiliating to him.

I wanted our family members to know, and some close friends. Being cheated on at least for me was one of the defining moments in my life; it gave me the chance to be wounded to the core and see what I was really made of. It showed me what real love means, and forgiveness without enabling. It helped me to focus on my own needs and those of my grown kids. It made me realize what true grief is all about, and what life would be like if I lost my marriage, because I did.

And as weird as it probably seems to many, I now have the opportunity to start over and to decide what the future with this same man could have been if I had been a healthy, mature individual when I fell in love with him so many years ago. She agrees that it was the main component that did cause her to see her AP in a true light and she started to recognize all the faults in his character that she over looked during their affair.

She also agreed that if I had been the one to send the letter that in the state of mind she was in then it probably would have been the end of our marriage right then and there. I once told an acquaintance the mother of a teenage school friend of my daughter that her H was having an affair. This is not something a 13 year old should have to carry around. The womans H was very angry with me so what! They are now divorced as a result of the affair, and the ultimate discovery that there had been several other affairs over the years.

As a society, there are things that we need to stop turning a blind eye to. If done respectfully whatever the topic , this leaves it to the parties involved to decide how they want to proceed with the information. I agree with the comments above about people NOT wanting to get involved—if it happened to them, they would look at it quite differently.

I am not sure if I would have sent the letters or not however, I find that the idea of everything being private is just as hard to handle as having it out in the open. In my case, I have a very hard time handling it privately since everyone I know thinks my husband walks on water. Loving someone else is more like it!

To have ones parents and in-laws believing that your marriage is made in heaven all the while you are trying to hold yourself together in their presence is more than I can handle at times. I just want to scream from the rooftop that he is not perfect… he is a man who made a horrible error in judgement and his wife is deep in despair. As far as Doug and Linda are concerned, they handled it the best they could and it is obvious that they went through hell and back but made the committment to stay together.

I am not sure I would have the strength they had but it worked for them. They have put themselves out front in order to help us find our way… let them continue to do so. Each one of us has our own way of handling the affair and it is not fair for any one of us to chastise each other for doing so. Here, here Battleborn!

They walked in these shoes long before many of us arrived at this unfortunate destination. Not destine to last forever one way or another will end. You are delusional and living a big fat lie! Whatever it is, but not Love. When you think you win, you actually lose.

EPaulson: I feel so sorry for you, you are one mean spirited person. EPaulson, WTF is your problem? You have got a lot of anger or you just like to mess with people. Oh and congratulations, consider yourself blocked! The only thing they know is that we are having some problems and are trying to work through it and they were only told that last week. I believe the greatest advantage to outing the CS is that it forces them to be uncomfortable in what they are doing, if they are so inclined, and to have to face some public censure about what they are doing.

I also agree that it depends on the situation…how deeply involved the affair is and how the WS acts when it is discovered. My H immediately stopped all contact and showed great remorse for his actions during the 4 month EA. Then he told me about it. That is when I sent her an e-mail. My husband has not heard a word from her and says he has only seen her twice in the building and they passed without her speaking.

He already told me he would not even say hello to her. I feel all the letters would be a bit much for me but I also know the affair was not the worst case scenario. I might feel differently if I was getting no cooperation from my H.

I only told one very good friend as I too am a very private person. But, anyway since my husband was in the military, and this happens frequently on deployments the only ones who would have been hurt is me and my children.

I chose to keep my mouth shut and have my husband and myself work it through as a couple. At perhaps our lowest point, my wife also told me that she felt ambivalent about staying married. More importantly, she also said that she really, really did not want to feel this way, and we identified a few things that I was or was not doing that were perhaps making her feel that way for example, I was still very angry about her EA, and had not yet then been able to genuinely forgive her, so at times I treated her disrespectfully, not to mention that I also treated her as someone I could not trust, and not being trusted by me was driving her toward feelings of ambivalence.

Shoot, there have been many times that I felt worse than ambivalent about remaining married to my wife, but time passes and things have changed for the better. I must say, however, that if my wife had remained the horrible partner she became during her EA, I would not be married to her today. I would have hated ending our marriage and all that would entail, but I have too much self-respect to stay married to someone that does not treat me the way I should be treated and otherwise does not make me happy.

The message is clear as crystal. Rachel, your husband is never going to be truly happy in your marriage ever again. Please stop working on something that is already broken. Do you really want to live the rest of your life pretending and in this game of false marriage. Please let him go. Love is unconditional right. Love is not possessive. Its kind and sacrifice. Let someone you love go so that he can find love and happiness to his desire is that ultimate sacrifice and unconditional love.

Free Will remember?! He showed no empathy or respect at the pain he had caused by his seamy, sleazy actions which cheating is. She tried to keep her family together but finally moved on, although deeply hurt at the way he treated her. Now he keeps trying to creep back into her life even though and she does everything to distance herself from his narcissism. I only told my two closest friends at work. One of which helped me greatly and gave me a lot of good advise in the begining on how to catch my H lying and how to talk to him to get him to tell the truth.

When my H and I got to the point where we were trying to make it work these friends were not for it and not supportive so I quit talking to them about it. The best contact for my situation was the OW. I told her my side of the story and our marriage. She had no idea and was just trying to be a listening ear for my H. I literally had no one to confide in..

If I knew of a CS and I knew the BS i would definatley tell them so they could start the healing process sooner and expose the secret before it gets too far for recovery. Greg, I agree with you regarding no easy way to get through this regardless of privacy or not. I am not going to out my husband to his parents and I definitely won;t to my mother. I am just frustrated and still angry at him for the rotten timing when I found out.

Maybe my thoughts of outing him to his parents is for revenge. Would it make me feel better? Perhaps, but I doubt I will ever find out. Shortly after I discovered what was happening behind my back with my wife I wrote and re-wrote several similar letters.

Sometimes I still catch myself writing and editing them over and over in my mind. However, I never mailed or sent any of them for several reasons. At the time everything seemed pretty messed up already and I wondered if the letters would really help the situation at hand other than giving me a sense of somehow getting back at her and her partner s. However, I think I realized the implications of what it all meant and where it was leading and I had a innate sense of the pain and suffering that was headed my way.

I remember thinking that I felt badly enough already and that it might actually cause me to feel worse if I sent them. In some strange way, I felt like I was giving more power, respect, and importance to the other men than I felt they deserved. I love her and as her husband I still felt I had to protect her. I had a strong sense that exposing her in such a way was a violation of the vows that I made to her on our wedding day, even though she certainly had not show the same consideration or thoughts for me or the vows she had made.

I think I was helped by the fact that after my first challenging questions to her about an affair, where she was certain that I suspected or knew something and she had no way of getting out of it, she did tell me that she was going to stop doing the things she was doing with the other men. A few days later we had a true day of discovery and I read aloud to her many text messages on her cell phone that humiliated and hurt me a lot, but surely confirmed many of my suspicions and thoughts.

In my own survey of therapists, 38 percent agreed that "a spouse's desire to know details of the partner's extramarital involvement should be discouraged by the therapist. In general, I support sharing the specific information that the betrayed partner needs to know. Initially, I reduce the pressure by asking basic factual questions who, where, when, how long about the affair in a calm, nonconfrontive tone.

I often suggest that betrayed partners pretend they're listening from behind a one-way mirror, and I give them an index card to write down their questions, comments, or contradictions. I warn them that hearing the real facts is likely to expose previous lies and deception, but it's crucial that the unfaithful partner's current truthfulness be appreciated rather than attacked.

I encourage the betrayed partner to bring in lists of questions that I'll hold until we've laid a groundwork of caring, compassionate communication, and commitment. I delay complex questions about why the unfaithful partner got involved and explicit questions about sexual intimacy until both partners feel safe in the therapy.

Of course, safety's impossible if the infidelity continues. With ambivalent, explosive couples, I promote a sense of security by asking for a verbal contract that both partners will remain in therapy and in the relationship for a specific number of sessions 6 or One way to create safety is to have individual sessions so the betrayed partner can vent overwhelming rage and the unfaithful partner can grieve the loss of the affair partner.

I advise couples to reserve sensitive and painful topics for therapy sessions and to focus on renewing positive aspects of their relationship at home. The unfaithful partner won't feel safe if the information that's shared in therapy is used as a weapon at home. The most compelling attractions of an affair for the unfaithful partner are the vanity-mirroring it provides, and the opportunity to experience oneself in a new role.

Therefore, I shift the focus away from the affair partners to what the unfaithful partners liked most about themselves during the affair that can be brought back into the marriage.

For example, an unfaithful wife liked her assertiveness and outspokeness in the affair, but at home she was tightlipped and withholding. When her betrayed husband listened to her without criticism, she became hopeful that she could be free to be more herself in the marriage.

To explore partners' vulnerabilities for infidelity, I assess how each threshold was crossed as the affair developed. That she was scamming wealthier older men she's 25 with a 6 year old he's Perhaps if he'd googled her when they first met and saw a post like mine he'd never have gotten involved with this girl????

For decades police departments have used billboards, internet, other social media to "call out" dead beat dads, prostitutes and those soliciting them, drug dealers, murders etc Leigh, I am praying for God to help you relinquish your hatred as I beg Him today to help me let go of mine. This is excruciating, as so much of our healing will only come from surrendering the "right" to hate. To watch the video please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library. To watch the video, please purchase a subscription to the Recovery Library.

Already a Recovery Library member? Log in to listen to the full recording. Still stuck. Oops a BIG P. After a hard lesson, you improved. Perhaps cheaters can do the same, but without ever being exposed, how can they ever learn? In some cases, it can stop.

If you never out someone for their infidelity, the cycle will continue and the affair stays alive. The only thing worse than finding out someone has been cheating on you for an extended period of time, is finding out that other people knew about it the entire time, which just makes the situation feel foolish for everyone. Everything comes out eventually. Above all, the truth has a way of coming out anyways; sometimes soon, and sometimes too late.

Youw immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here …. You immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes.

By Lyndsie Robinson.